Tuesday 22nd June. “You have got to be phucking kidding me”.

An excellent couple of days for the following reasons: Face now resembles Amanda Holden crossed with a giant hamster levels of prettiness (moving down the fat scale). Secondly, bought a very expensive and shiny new red car that looks like a minx and goes like one too. Finally (and some would argue most importantly) managed to remove the massive ingrowing hair that has been plaguing my leg for the last fortnight. Yeehaw!

Feeling much more confident about appearance now, probably due to receiving my first post-operative wolf whistle on my merry way to Somerfield. True – I was wearing tiny hot pants and he could only see the back of me. Feel quite affronted that he didn’t even bother to check out my face first so throw in an attempted yell of “You have got to be fucking kidding me!”. It is an attempt as, due to the fact that I am still struggling with my diction, “fucking” comes out “phucking”. However I don’t panic as I’m fairly confident it makes me appear more gangster.

Applying for a car loan by phone was a daunting experience. Not due to the sums involved, or the fact that Natwest will be going through my accounts with a fine toothcomb (although incidentally feel grateful,as i’m on the phone to them that I paid cash for my last purchase in Ann Summers, and that drug dealers only accept cash.. joking work people..aha ha...). What, infact, makes the phone call so difficult is the loan guy dealing with me seems to be royally pissed. Its 10am. But then, being conscious of my own imperfect telephone voice due to the op – I am wary. Pretty sure I don’t sound like I’ve necked a bottle of bells in the last half hour though, and that I would be able to say “WelslumtoNatswestloanshowcanihelpsyouuu” in a more appropriate manner. Manage to refrain from saying anything though for fear that a) he may be mentally retarded and don’t want to be a bigot and more importantly b) it may have a negative impact on my loan application. Instead put him on speaker phone and silently laugh with my bro and his girlfriend Natalie as he takes 10 mins slur his way through the T&C’s. My only comment is a heavily sarcastic “Yeah. CHEERS mate” at the end of the conversation.

Buying a new car inevitably means selling the old one. Thus it needs totally hoovering out and cleaning. It’s a nice day so decide to wear the bikini to do this a la Jessica Simpson in order to ensnare any passing mega buffs. Seeing as my parents live in a quiet suburb of Southport (home of the aged) this is most unlikely. Chances decrease further when I twat myself in the face with the hose attachment. Yep – the feeling is definitely coming back.